


Pensive

by themerpanimal



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom
Genre: Dan Howell - Freeform, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-06 19:57:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5428751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themerpanimal/pseuds/themerpanimal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell is lonely and doesn't have many friends, and certainly nobody to call his best friend (or even more). That is, until he meets Phil. Phil takes over his life, leading him to feel things he's never felt for anybody.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dan Howell sat alone. He never had anyone to sit with, although he always had time to think. Dan sat underneath his favorite tree at the local park which was usually desolated with only a few houses in the area, which were mostly vacant except for the one that was bought a couple months ago which he had never actually seen anyone living in. Dan sighed wishing he could stay in his quiet little safety spot forever. Nobody could bother him there. He closed his eyes and breathed in the fresh air, relaxing himself against the tree when he heard the crunching of leaves behind him which made him jump. Dan slowly looked around nervously to see a dark haired guy maybe a couple years older than him walking towards him. For some reason Dan didn't get up and leave, although maybe he should have. "Who are you" Dan demanded, glaring at the weird guy who was now maybe a foot away. "I just moved into the area. My name is Phil." The dark haired guy said. Dan was a bit confused as to why anyone would want to. "I've seen you come here the past few days and i always wondered what you were doing and finally decided I'd figure it out. What's your name?" Phil asked, sitting down close to Dan who was finally able to get a good look at this strange human. "You have really beautiful eyes." Dan muttered accidentally, speaking out loud. He started blushing and felt really awkward but mustered up a "My name is Dan". Phil laughed a bit before thanking Dan who was turned away. "I get that a lot, you know. Don't be embarrassed." Phil reassured Dan. "Why are you here anyway." Dan said getting defensive. Phil laughed and looked at Dan. "I was curious."

It been a week since the encounter and Phil was the only thing Dan could think about. The beautiful eyes were ingrained in his memory no matter how hard he tried to forget. Earlier in the day Dan heard someone say "Philippines" and that alone had made his heart flutter which really confused Dan. "I don't like him. He's a guy and I'm straight." Dan tried to convince himself and yet found himself walking towards the spot next to the tree in the lonely park. Upon arrival, Dan noticed something strange. Phil was sitting at his tree. Dan ignored the sense of longing he felt and walked towards Phil who was humming. "That's my spot." Dan told Phil who smiled. "I've been coming here everyday hoping to see you again." Phil said ignoring Dan who glowered. Dan's heart beat sped up when he looked at Phil, and he didn't like it. Phil frowned. "Are you okay? You look kind of sick." Dan looked away from Phil's words. Phil made him feel so different. A feeling he had never experienced before. Phil put a hand on Dan's forehead which sent shocks down into Dan's stomach. Phil's touch was soft and his fingers were smooth and light. In that moment Dan felt so alive. "Your temperature is fine, but are you sure you're alright?" Phil asked worried. Dan nodded, not able to muster up words to explain what he was feeling. "Phil I.. I'm sorry I've been a dick to you. You're so nice and I don't know. I don't want you to hate me." Dan said, blushing. Phil smiled at Dan. "I don't hate you. I actually find you to be quite interesting." Phil marveled looking Dan in the eye. Before Dan could respond, he felt a shockingly cold raindrop hit him square on his cheek, making him flinch. "Fuck." Dan muttered putting his hand over his hair, hoping it wouldn't get wet. Phil grabbed Dan's wrist. "Hurry! Let's run to my house!" Phil insisted as it started to pour. Phil pulled Dan out of the woodsy area, but let go once they reached the streets. Phil guided Dan to his house and once inside Dan groaned. His hair had curled into its natural state from the rain. Phil laughed upon seeing Dan's hair to which Dan scowled, not wanting Phil to see him like this. "Do you have a towel?" Dan chided. Phil giggled and went to get Dan a towel. Dan looked around. Even though Phil had only moved in a couple weeks ago, it looked like he had owned the place forever, not in a good sense. Things were scattered and there was stuff everywhere. It was so messy that it made Dan a bit anxious. At the same time, Dan felt very comfortable standing in Phil's home. Phil came back soon with a beige towel and noticed Dan's face. "Sorry for the mess." Phil apologized, rubbing his hand through his hair. Dan tried his best to dry his hair, but only accomplished making it look worse, which frustrated him because he didn't want to look bad in front of Phil. "So." Phil said looking at Dan. "Now that you're here what do you want to do." Dan's mind raced to visions of him and Phil cuddling on a couch watching a movie while the rain pattered outside, but he quickly pushed it out of his mind because he's straight, of course. "Want to watch a movie?" Phil asked innocently which brought the picture back to Dan's brain. "Oh. Yeah. That's be be uh great. Yeah." Dan stammered not looking at Phil, but at the floor. "What do you want to uh watch?" Dan asked, still not looking at Phil. "Well, I haven't watched the Star Wars movies in awhile, how do you feel about that?" Phil answered, not even fazed by Dan's awkwardness. Dan smiled because things couldn't possibly get homoerotic during a Star Wars film and he happily agreed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan has gay thought wow what a surprise bet you never guessed

Dan Howell opened his eyes to notice he was somewhere else where he didn’t recognize his surroundings. “What the fuck?” He mumbled sleepily to himself. “Good morning!” A familiar voice called to Dan, who was still confused. “You fell asleep while we were watching Star Wars last night and I didn’t want to wake you so I kind of put a blanket over you and let you sleep.” Phil explained to Dan who was remembering the previous night and how stressful it had been. He remembered struggling so hard to not snuggle up against Phil’s side and fall asleep. “Breakfast?” Dan drawled groggily. Phil laughed and poured Dan a bowl of cereal and sat next to him on the couch. “I know it’s not much, but I’m not the best cook.” Phil admitted. It didn’t matter to Dan because it was the nicest gesture someone had ever done for him. Is this what having friends is like? But Phil felt like more than a friend and Dan had no idea what to do with those feelings than to push them aside. Dan looked outside and noticed the rain had stopped. “The rain stopped” Dan stated, dully. Phil nodded. “How far away do you live? Is it a long walk?” Phil asked concerned, but Dan shook his head. “No don’t worry. It’s about a 5 to 10 minute walk from here, probably. It’s not that far.” Dan reassured Phil. “Okay well, when you decide to go back, I’ll gladly walk with you to keep you company.” Phil decided, but Dan wanted nothing to do with that. “Why would you do that, you’d just have to walk back yourself.” He told Phil who laughed and figured Dan was right.

On the walk back, Dan had time to think. His mind was clouded with images of Phil. How could anyone look so angelic so early in the morning? Dan tried to push away the thoughts. Dan hadn’t had friends for a very long time and yet here is this strange person who acts like he’s known Dan his whole life. Dan thought about the past week. He didn’t know anything about Phil. Dan decided that the whole thing seemed kind of creepy. Maybe Phil is a murderer. He thought of Phil’s beautiful eyes and dark hair and his light fingers… Dan pinched his arm. Nope. He’s straight, of course, and straight people don’t think these things. 

At home Dan laid on his own couch and couldn’t remove the image of Phil the previous night watching the Star Wars movies. He looked so peaceful. Dan closed his eyes tight and wished he was still in that moment. When he opened his eyes, he realized his mouth hurt because he had been smiling so big at the thought of Phil. That frightened Dan, who just figured he was extremely unlikeable. Why would anybody like him? Dan desperately didn’t want to like Phil, but couldn’t help what he was feeling. 

That night Dan dreamed that Phil was kissing him. Dan could feel the longing and the lust and he wanted more, but when he woke up he pretended as though the dream didn’t exist. It was obviously just his overactive imagination. Dan brushed it off and decided that he needed to do some grocery shopping as he didn’t even have enough food for breakfast. At the store Dan rushed himself. He hated being in public and much rather enjoyed the company of himself. After being there for about 15 minutes he started walking to the cereals and saw familiar black hair in the aisle. Dan’s heartbeat sped up. He started shaking and just stood there staring at the back of Phil’s head. Should he say something? What would he say? Should he walk away? “Uh” Dan started, trying to say something probably more like, “Hey Phil what’s up?”. Phil turned around and when he saw Dan, smiled. “Dan! It’s been so long!” Phil laughed, joking. Dan let out a weak chuckle as memories of his dream flashed back. He couldn’t help but stare at Phil’s lips. “So listen. After you left yesterday, I realized that I didn’t have your number and wouldn’t know how to contact you. I’m glad you’re here so that way I don’t have to wait for you to go back to the tree. Let me give you my number.” Phil said, determined and Dan, almost reluctantly handed over his phone so Phil could type in his number, and then typed his own into Phil’s phone. “Alright. I’ll see you later, Dan.” Phil smiled and walked away leaving Dan quite confused. 

The way back to his house, Dan replayed the memory of Phil saying his name. Dan. It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard in his life. He wanted to hear Phil say his name over and over and never let go. Dan didn’t know how he felt about Phil. They had just met and Dan wanted to be in Phil’s presence forever. Dan wanted to touch Phil’s hair, Dan wanted to be able to feel Phil’s lips against his. Dan started to cry. He couldn’t feel like this for Phil. He just couldn’t. It wasn’t possible. Tears streamed down Dan’s face and he decided that he couldn’t speak to Phil again, it was too much for him. Dan wiped away his tears and convinced himself it was for the best.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan gets sad and gay wow

Dan ignored Phil’s texts, although it emotionally destroyed him. He needed a break. Without thinking Dan walked to his spot under the tree. He sat there and cried and after about 30 minutes of trying to calm himself down he heard the voice. “Are you okay?” Dan ignored it. Of course he would know Dan was here. Phil sat down across from Dan. “I know we only recently met, but it's perfectly fine for you to vent to me.” Phil spoke calmly, but he didn’t understand. Dan felt so vulnerable. “I can’t be friends with you.” Dan muttered hoping his voice wouldn’t crack. “Is that what this is about?” Phil asked with a soft tone in his voice. Dan nodded wishing Phil would leave and it could be over with. “Why?” Phil questioned with a sad voice. Dan looked away. He couldn’t tell Phil why. “Dan.” Phil pressed. Dan sobbed and realized there was nothing he could do but explain everything to Phil. “It’s because I want to be friends with you and I like you.” Dan told a confused Phil, but before Phil could respond, Dan continued. “When I was in school I had a bestfriend, quite unlike now. His name was Weston. I liked Weston so much, like m-more than a fr-friend. He led me on, though, pretending he shared feelings. When we were alone he used to treat me like I was his b-boyfriend. One day at school I found out Weston had told everyone that I had tried to put myself on him and that I tried to force him to k-kiss me and other uh stuff. Everyone bullied me and called me a fag. They would beat me up and even broke my arm at one point. None of the teachers did anything about it and it got to the point where I wanted to die. I tried to convince myself that I was straight and that the Weston thing wasn’t my fault. When school ended I tried to live like that and ignore anything I felt for any guys. I was able to do that until I met you, you bastard, with your gorgeous lips, and wonderful hair.. I couldn’t help my feelings for you, Phil. I couldn’t stop it. I just can’t do the Weston thing over again and that’s why I can’t be your friend. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be friends with me after hearing that, anyway.” Dan sobbed to a surprised Phil. Dan turned away and went to stand up, but Phil grabbed his hand. “Dan.” Phil whispered. “I promise I would never hurt you.” Dan looked at Phil who actually had tears in his eyes and Dan could see how sincere he was being. Phil sat closer to Dan and wiped away Dan’s tears with his finger which literally gave Dan heart palpitations like he thought he was going to have a heart attack. “Don’t worry” Phil breathed and sat back and looked at Dan with those sensual eyes. After about a minute of sitting in silence Phil smiled and said, “Dan why don’t we head my house. I was going to make some cupcakes since my brother is coming to check out my place tomorrow. Want to help me?” Dan laughed, a genuine laugh, and agreed because now he didn’t need to worry. 

“Okay. So I’ve never actually made cupcakes before. Please tell me you have baking skills.” Phil asked uncertain. Dan shook his head. “I’ve probably got as much experience as you.” He announced. “This is going to interesting.” Phil thought out loud. “Alright. The recipe says you have to put broken up chocolate in this bown with condensed milk and sugar and butter or something.” Dan stated, trying to take charge and then decided to throw all the stuff in at once. “Daaaan.” Phil groaned. “I’m pretty sure that’s not how you’re supposed to do it.” Phil nudged Dan who was laughing. “Live a little.” Dan teased. “Okay well we need to stir it. How about you do that since you threw all the stuff in that little bowl.” Phil proceeded. Dan started stirring the chocolate and dipped his finger in it and wiped the chocolate on Phil’s face. Phil turned to look at Dan. “Really. This is a serious environment there no time for that.” Phil challenged and then threw a bit of flour at Dan who started laughing so hard he couldn’t contain himself. “Of course, I would be wearing black.” Dan giggled looking at Phil, who also laughed. “Please tell me, Phil, why the fuck you chose a recipe that calls for mashed potatoes as an ingredient in cupcakes.” Dan accused. “These are going to be so weird.”

When the cupcakes finished, Dan could hardly wait to try them even though they called for mashed potatoes. This was something he did with Phil. Something they shared together. Phil held up a cupcake. “Try it.” He said, and Dan picked up the cupcake, his hand brushing against Phil’s. Phil picked up another cupcake and they both bit into their cupcakes together. 

 

Author’s note: Yeah I know. I haven’t updated in awhile and this chapter is kinda shit. I’m going away tomorrow and I wanted to post something just because I haven’t. This chapter was going to be much longer but I had to shorten it sorry.


End file.
